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My journey to healing : One day at a time

Last evening after we had finished watching television and had turned off the lights, I thought of dad again and my heart sank. I miss him. I miss speaking to him. Not that he did say much during the last two months prior to his passing away, yet there was that daily call I made to check in on him and tell him to hold on until I got him home. With the number of cases increasing in Mumbai, I couldn’t get him here. And he couldn’t wait. It hurts when I think of it. Last night, the tears rolled again for a lot of reasons and despite the fact that we completed all the rituals, I still cannot believe that he’s gone. Dad was cremated and his ashes put into a flowing river as per the customs. I did it myself. Yet my brain refuses to accept it…maybe because there was no proper ‘Goodbye.’ But how many people actually say, ‘Goodbye?’ I don’t know. And if they do, does it make it any easier?

As I lay down on my bed and thought of everything that had happened leading up to the last moment, the words of the hymn, ‘One day at a time, Sweet Jesus,’ came back to me. It’s a hymn I sang when I was in Grade 5 or 6 in school. I hadn’t sung it since then. But the words came flooding at night and I lulled myself to sleep.

I have attached the link to the hymn below. If you’ve already heard it, you know what I am talking about. If you’ve not and you’re at a point in life when you’re feeling low, do listen to it. This hymn spoke to me last night. It gave me hope, faith and strength when I needed it. And I had to share it. Let me know if there’s any song that you listen to when you are feeling low and that makes you feel better. If you have such a song or a passage from a book, do share it in the comments below. Maybe it will help me too.

To watch “ONE DAY AT A TIME, SWEET JESUS (LYNDA RANDLE) + LYRICS” click on the link below https://youtu.be/tkkDbsxctn8

P.S. I love every word of this song/hymn.

Lyrics of the first verse are:

One day at a time, Sweet Jesus

That’s all I’m asking of you

Give me the strength to do everyday

What I have to do

Yesterday’s gone, Sweet Jesus

And tomorrow may never be mine

Help me today, show me the way

One day at a time

Copyright@smithavishwanathsblog.com. All Rights Reserved.

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14 responses to “My journey to healing : One day at a time”

  1. calmkate Avatar
    calmkate

    I’m so sorry for your loss … losing a parent at any time is tough. I nursed my father at home for his last six weeks – many years ago now – but it still hit hard! And decades later I still have moments where I think “Dad would know what to do” … they are bittersweet moments. Nothing can bring him back but he lives on in our hearts 🙂

    Reply
  2. Andrea Stephenson Avatar
    Andrea Stephenson

    I think the gap people leave behind is the worst part of grief, accepting that they’re gone and those gaps in your life where they would have been.

    Reply
    1. Smitha V Avatar
      Smitha V

      Thanks Andrea for putting how I feel in words…that’s exactly it. I miss dad’s anytime-in-the-day calls or his questions asking me what I had cooked or what I was doing. Its a huge gap. Thats what I need to learn to live with. Thats the difficult bit.

      Reply
  3. Infinite Living Avatar
    Infinite Living

    how many people actually say, ‘Goodbye?’ I don’t know – this is so true, it touched me. That hymn is so perfect and profound I agree – I love how it appeared for you when you needed it the most.

    Reply
    1. Smitha V Avatar
      Smitha V

      Yes, I was surprised when it came back to me…in the middle of the night. I wondered how I’d forgotten it all these years. Thank God for His love and mercy. Thanks Pragalbha for writing back. XO

      Reply
  4. robbiesinspiration Avatar
    robbiesinspiration

    I am so very sorry, Smitha. You are going through a very hard time now. I would feel exactly as you do if I lost a parent. I have never lost anyone close to me.

    Reply
    1. Smitha V Avatar
      Smitha V

      I am Robbie. Thank you for understanding. It means a lot to me. It’s not always that people understand…especially if they have not experienced it. I dont blame them. Its a huge blessing that you have not lost anyone close.
      Thank you for those insta-posts and Fb one-liners. They never fail to make me smile.

      Reply
  5. sienablue Avatar
    sienablue

    When I wrote my mother’s eulogy I ended with lines from this beautiful Pablo Neruda poem that was set to music. I imagine that it captured what was in my parents’ hearts as they contemplated this parting from us. Truthfully, I barely got through recounting the verse to my extended family without breaking down.

    It is so tender and so true that it still brings on tears so listen at a time when you have space to let the tears flow. I felt it was paradoxically part of the pain that brings healing. It reminds me of the great blessing that I had in such loving parents.

    You are still his flower, the reason for his song. His love stays alive in your love for your family.

    https://youtu.be/K3nYUQH2pWU

    Reply
    1. sienablue Avatar
      sienablue

      I neglected to say that working through such a series of losses as you have these last few months during a pandemic is uncharted waters. Don’t ever feel that you are grieving too long. One day at a time is certainly the best strategy in these uncertain times.

      Reply
      1. Smitha V Avatar
        Smitha V

        Yes…I agree. I dont want fear to fill my heart so I pray. I dont faith to be replaced by cynicism. May God bless us all and give us strength to get through this.

        Reply
    2. Smitha V Avatar
      Smitha V

      Jo you always know the right thing to say. Do share the song with me – the one that you shared in your mother’s eulogy.
      I find your words comforting and am grateful for the wisdom you share with me. It means so much to me.❤. I love ‘you are still his flower.’ It makes me smile thinking of it and him.

      Reply
    3. sienablue Avatar
      sienablue

      Oh silly me….I thought I put the link in. I write my blog comments at breakfast. I guess the caffeine had not kicked in.

      Soneto de la moche by pablo neruda

      https://youtu.be/GVZJVgX5jN4

      Reply
      1. Smitha V Avatar
        Smitha V

        Thank you so so much Jo for sharing this with me. I could actually imagine my mother saying these words to my dad when she passed away and him living on for her, loving the things she loved. The song is just so beautiful. If I had heard it when my mom passed away, I might not have been able to hear it without crying. But now it gave me an answer to how and why papa carried on without her. There’s a line about ‘closing the eyes after I die.’ I closed dad’s eyes. Thank you for this Jo. Much love to you.

        Reply
        1. sienablue Avatar
          sienablue

          Neruda wrote it for his wife…..but i always felt it was motherhood that changed my destiny more than marriage so i could imagine it to be the words of my parents. They lived for us…..made that clear without saying it….saving and sacrificing for our sakes.

          You gave your father a good passing even while your heart was screaming for him to stay. You are a hero. Rest gently and heal.

          Reply

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